You may not have even noticed the absence of this little blog. Just small doings in a Sea of so many really, really noteworthy and noticed. Yet it’s mine. I’m proud of it. I’m proud of the growth, the impact and the reach, no matter how small. The Lord has richly blessed One Woman. I’m deeply humbled by His Trust in Administering and Serving through His Gifting of Writing and Story Telling.
SO why the absence? and better yet? Why the return?
First. The Absence.
‘Someone’ or many someone’s whether intentionally, as a poor joke, spam or a combination of all created a climate where for a very long time, logging on has been a challenge of wondering what I would find.Very Irresponsible.
Which leads to Second. The Return.
During this time I’ve acknowledged and let The Lord have some things about myself. Inner things. We all have them. We all deal with them. I’ve had Two Witnesses. Very strong Prayer Warriors who have been praying that this challenge to blogging and fully Living would end and/or be brought fully into the Light. His Light.
In the absence of blogging pressing into Him I’ve experienced great levels of Frustration. Anger. Resentment. Tears. Being Powerless.
I’ve challenged on FB and Twitter. This has affected my health, my Peace and Prosperity. I vowed I would not allow this in my new Life yet here it was….again. Every time I came to this blog. My own private, personal space. Invaded. Irresponsible.
Such strong emotions that I’d not experienced since before I divorced. Feeling powerless. Helpless. Held Hostage. The more I tried to ‘fix’ it. The more I tried to ‘Bargain’ for it to stop the worse it seemed to get.
The final straw was Saturday September 7. A day for another New~ a half day kayaking class pre-booked & ready to roll. Even the Central Oregon sun was smiling.
My head was not.
Peaceful sleep, jumping up~ then the feeling , remembering. Instantly the pain shot through my right eye. Ocular Migraine. nausea, dizziness. Rare but a combination of stress, caffeine combined with a skin and vein condition known as Rosacea. occasionally create the perfect storm.
“I’m not missing this.” I thought. I’ve waited too long Lord. Please.
Driving to , circling the parking lot. Bright sunlight, wavy river, hot sun…Realizing this would be a big mistake. My cell phone rang.
The instructor calling to see how far out I was. Too embarrassed to tell him I was right outside. The pain, the stinging hot tears, the resentment. Bitterness tastes none too sweet. Apologizing for holding up the class and explaining , we said good-bye.
During this season I’ve been reminded of how it feels. Irresponsibility. During this season I’ve been reminded how it feels. Having No Voice. Laying in my cool room yesterday crying, stinging hot tears. Tears of Shame. Tears of Growth. Tears of Healing. Hot stinging tears of anger turned to salty tears crying for the lost Seasons in Life.
Many other things about myself I thought I’d outgrown. The desire to fit in. To belong. Somewhere.
And something I’m glad remains…no compromise in what I Believe. His Word. His Truth, His Light.
Get out of the shadows or be gone.
Soothing, light sniffles, Singing. Yes singing. Softly Singing Praises To Him. For His Goodness. His Life.Singing with My Voice.
Yes, The Voice He has Given Me. My Voice He has raised up. Will not be quieted. Will not be Silenced.
I’ve returned at His Leading. With some precautions in place. The old is gone. There will be NO going back and at the ready to stop, move. migrate or whatever it takes to keep the safety and health of One Woman and you Readers. God Knows the whole story and returns My Voice.
Why there’s even a new “writer’ Gravatar. Did you notice?
Until next time ~when there will be MUCH more about Finding our Voices.
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