The Bitter Woman I’ve Become P5 In Light of The Cross

“Is this thing on?” she asked, tapping the recorder setting between us. Smiling, I double checked. What had begun as pulling teeth was now quickly winding up in a race to the finish. “Let me tell you I’m not a martyr. Not a super righteous. Just a very intelligent woman stumbling along the Path, with a very Gracious God every step of the way.” “I’m not a happy camper about all this. I still struggle with all the resentment. The way I appear to be so needy- so full-of-myself–so…unbalanced.” she sighed.  “I’m none of those things.” “I still clench my teeth when I pray “Thy Will Be Done.”

She demonstrated. We both burst into knowing giggles. PSdays

The first true smile I’d seen in a very long time.

During this same season she’d gone to see the movie version of “Heaven Is for Real” with one of the 3 friends who still communicated. Who weren’t too embarrassed by her or for her or wary of her, she reasoned. She didn’t blame them..

Clarity came when, days later, God awakened her with this clip: “The Bitter Woman I Swore I Would Never Be”

She realized she was as close to becoming this bitter, resentful woman in the story, Nancy, than she ever had been in her entire life time. “What’s it to You?” Heaven whispered.

“I’d a choice–reactivate my TMJor-let it go.” She shrugged, then quipped, “I have enough with my own weight management. Who needs another pound of someone else’s flesh .”

~~~

On his blog, Pastor John Piper writes (John 21:18-22) The very verse, Life style and concept with which I’ve struggled off and on this long Season What Is That to You? You Follow Me ! | Desiring God “Jesus’ blunt words—“None of your business, follow me”—are sweet to my ears. They are liberating from the depressing bondage of fatal comparing….That’s the way we sinners are wired. Compare. Compare. Compare. We crave to know how we stack up in comparison to others. There is some kind of high if we can just find someone less effective than we are. Ouch. ”

 Yes. Ouch. Anyone?

“What you have to understand about Father God is–how much time you have?” she joked. “Well, what I desperately want people to understand is that God continues to promote me.”.

I couldn’t hide my shock. She smiled.

“God has honored my repentant, broken heart. God has made a way where there was no way. When He said “Follow Me.” I did and I’ve never looked back, except maybe a few times”, she joked, thankful she hadn’t turned into a pillar of salt.  During this Season of  ‘Outcast’ I launched a successful business venture. Two new ministry opportunities appeared. God has provided ways to rebuild my name and positive references outside of this circumstance and circle. A way to build fresh connections and new promotion. Soon, I’m off to a new area and a new Life where my skills, gifts, personality and Calling can flourish. All because of this awful circumstance.”

Wow. Anyone?

When I think of her story I can’t help but think of the first time Sandi Patty performed returned  .  Broken, repentant she spent a few years searching for answers. ‘Broken on the Back Row’  She found them. Not on the road she expected and sadly, not without much pain to many. (lets be clear-there’s been NO immorality or seduction on her part. If anyone had ever cared to hear, our Heroine would have told you the true story)

She hadn’t mentioned the ‘him’, so I had to ask. “Oh that’s the aggravating thorn. I’d be totally healed except. that all through this he’s continued to send messages to ‘connect & encourage’, as if after-denying involvement, denying me, while clinging on & staying in the shadows-that could happen. Never publicly correcting any of these awful perceptions? No thanks. He doesn’t seem to grasp the hurt he’s created or the ongoing deception to his friends & family, himself…& me. Who would knowingly step into that? Not ME! I am way too strong, richly Blessed & confident in my future to ever settle for such a mess. BEEN THERE, LIVED WITH THAT. “
 
“When he finally stops perseverating on me, God can reveal his future. He’s not a ‘catch’ to me. I feel sorry for them all.  The further & faster I’m away, the better.” *knowing when I’m on-line, tracking my phone &/or tracking-hacking my accounts, creeping in the shadows of this blog (for maybe 3 years?) when I DEMAND he stop, is not a ‘relationship’, a ‘connection’ or an form of respect. It’s  simply stalking. Been there done that*
Clearly  she is Not interested. 

 “I see myself much more clearly now. I appreciate, honor & respect myself for the Courage and committment it took to follow through. To believe in my future. In standing when blaming and whining would be a natural human preference and exactly what he and his community, did. God has used it all to reveal where I do and do not wish to be.”  she twinkled. “Now, shortly, it’s time to move on when clearly I’d have settled for a status-quo, waiting-wondering- less-than-Life. News Flash? I’ve never had to initiate.Why in the heck would I have stared with this? Theres a lot of  interested and interesting men and a great B-I-G World out there. Who knows where I’ll find my True Tribe?”

I couldn’t hide my pleasure. She smiled. Anyone?

~~~~

When they asked why’d she go–there’s no going back–Life in Eden changed.

~~~~

Hope you’ll come back, ya hear?

Shandra 

Broken on the Back Row « Power to Change (Great article by Sandi Patty)

~~~

BITTER Bitter bitter Better UPDATE 8/20/2014 3/2015 on our Heroine. I recently checked back in with our Gal interviewed above. Can I just say she is aglow? Again. Only so, so much better.

She has moved on, moved up & moved away. She’s healthy, happy, wealthy and Wise….& confident in what she does not want and won’t settle for.  She’s Living Life in abundance….and interested in someone…else.

“And even if this remains just a friendship I will NEVER again break my own personal rules of 5 years either way and publicly put up or shut up” NEVER. He’s out. There will NEVER be the time of day given ever again by me,

IN her words she waited, watched, submitted, waited some more. Watched. Shriveling up. Nothing…no email nor phone call, no cards. no “Hi how ya doing.no friend request, in ALL the years. “…nothing…, He had years… But attempts secretive communiques..still.

:The message here is the longer he plays at coming through the back door, the greater my resolve. he is a little boy…who’s helped drive me to a new land, for that alone am I thankful.

“We know who the real fool has been don’t we?”, she sighed wearily.

When I gently prodded about the past Season of pain and humiliation, there was so much Wisdom, Serenity and…well…Peace.

She chuckled “Yes I’ve heard from ‘him’ That’s what you really want to know isn’t it?”, eyes twinkling once again. “Same old, same old story God’s timing and same patterns of behind everyone’s back deception. What a jerk!”

“He feels God told him to publicly remain silent. Well, I fully agree.”

“What?!” I stammered.

“If God has had him remain silent it was to show ME what kind of man he truly is…and what God (nor I) will ever settle for” Eyes ablaze she said,  “God knows me. Honors me. He does not.”

Eyes blazing with Spirit Fire conviction,

“The very fact that he accused someone else and sent other people to do his dirty work? wimp. …that he never once thought it might be the person he’d been writing to —responding to him—that he never corrected anything in all this time—n-e-v-e-r—yet allowed the lives-reputations of TWO Women to be destroyed and tainted with ‘delusional’ label—who are you to say we deserved THAT? YOU STARTED IT  & aren’t even man enough to finish or correct it. Hiding in the shadows to this day  trying to keep your unrighteous connection.

It took her a LONG time to accept that he never once thought it might be the she he’d been writing to —responding to him —never to correct public perception that HE HAD INITIATED—to know he had never ever intended for this –for his involvement with her—to come to light. Always had in mind a secret shameful connection. That is all she is worth to him. She has been broken beyond measure at the hands of his Christian Theology, the so called ‘Righteous’ and the Self Righteous, humiliated, outcast, demoted, ostracized and stoned. While he did n-o-t-h-i-n-g but save his own butt.  That’s your WIsdom???!!!  She, her friends nor family will ever trust a church guy or Churchy Folk again because of him, them  and his lacking character and his inexcusable behavior.”

No One Cared about the Truth. Including him. No one asked any questions concerning the Truth. The only truth that mattered & matters still was clearing the name of The so-called Golden Child and that of “The Churches”. NO ONE cared. Once they had the simplistic yes or no answers they sought that was the end. What he doesn’t understand is that IF SOMEONE had bothered to ask I would happily have shown them the evidence of what I was responding to. I was never called to cover him. And never will.

No one cares about The Truth. I waited for the questions to be deeper, to probe. No one cared about The Truth. They have their answers in their tidy little box, right where they keep their tiny little version of God.” IAM asked me to submit to that- what He even jokingly called a ‘process’. For HIM alone I did.

“In the early Spring of this year, I met with one of them about another matter. During that meeting Holy Spirit came on him suddenly- he stammered an apology for something he said that he felt …I thought…he did, but didn’t know what” That was my final confirmation. These people have been deceived by their Golden Boy, just as I have. God will expose this in His time. As for me ? I have not looked back”

Let me make it clear…I’ve done all God’s asked me to- do I apologized to the new Senior’s wife in February. I’m done. I’ve been released BY GOD and NEVER looked back. BUT EVERY moment of every day I pay. and know he’s creeping around….free.

I never came forward because I thought it was a game. NEVER knew the chaos. NEVER knew it was to be a forever secret.  NEVER knew he and his has accused an Innocent Woman. Have THEY or he apologized to HER?  no.

Somehow he thinks he’s worthy for either one? We know who the real delusional one is don’t we?” Let me make something else VERY clear. NOTHING WILL CHANGE. ADMIRE ALL YOU WANT>From A GREAT DISTANCE> YOU and your wacky people WILL NEVER be allowed close to me again. NEVER be the one for me. YOU CHOSE> 3years ago

NOW I”VE CHOSEN, 3 YEARS AGO.

“Yours is one of the blogs he reads so Let me make it very clear, she requested. “God has asked me and I have chosen to say…No. Not him. There is no secret message, no “secret timing “, No invitation. An unrighteous unholy deceptive connection he tries to keep. Never I. I have always been in the open about it. HE HEAPS SHAME ON MY HEAD continually with his secret desire. I didn’t understand it was to be a forever shame.”what a chicken shit you are why do you think Id find this the east bit attractive? you are stuck in lala land kiddo. I pity you.

“I’m hanging out with a man who’s interested in & attentive to me. Has publicly made his intentions known to anyone and everyone who will listen, Someone who is not embarrassed by me, not intimidated by me, doesn’t believe a word of these lies AND enjoys my company in real time. Imagine.”

” If I know “he’s” in town or at an event…I won’t be. If I see him coming, I’ll turn the other way. God how I pity him  and the trouble he caused and still does.” Long ago forgotten and dead to me.

“God says I’ve always been HIS beacon. A Light on A Hill. He’s just another moth, forever fluttering in the shadows, attracted by my Flame.”

the end..

Amen, Sister.

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